Apparently fruits and vegetables are not living parts of our planet that eat and breath.

The pilot alerted us that we were passing over Yosemite this morning. Pictures do it no justice, but it was even amazing from above. I requested an emergency stop so I could get out here, but was denied. I then made it onto a special list of airplane trouble makers.

Fear of getting eaten by a bear was always in the high-teens on the list of fun yet scary ways to die. All of a sudden it has spring boarded into the top 2. The only thing beating out “bear dinner” is a safe falling from a window of a skyscraper during a caper.

I am heading out west for a week of camping in Yosemite. I am greatly looking forward to the time away. I’ll be spending a week in the beauty with my life’s mentor (whether he knows it or not) Taper Matt. He is a pro when it comes to living in Yosemite. He has spent several months of his life there. I am simply going to follow him wherever he goes and do whatever he does. I will be like putty in his hands, and hopefully in his sleeping bag.

If I don’t make it back, please world remember me as I was…a terrible, horrible person with no emotions, hateful feelings about everything and everybody, and most importantly soul-tingling blue eyes. All that being said, I lived the best life any little boy could dream of. If I am able to continue my perfect streak of staying out of the food chain, hopefully I will return safely with some great stories, memories, and photos.

Here are a couple pictures of where I will be courtesy of Jeff Rossi:

For some reason on the drive in to work this morning I saw camels in Fair Hill, Maryland. I chalked it up to my usual early morning hallucinations…leftover flashbacks from a forgotten life. These visions were so vivid that I felt the urge to turn around in the middle of route 273. I looped back into the fair grounds and confirmed that what was once a mental mirage was in fact a true to life herd of camel. Is it a herd? Who cares. This is not the typical place to see camels. There were no surrounding deserts, bottled genies, sheiks, toes, jockeys, cigarette packs, or wisemen. The only thing nearby was the gorgeous Fair Hill Nature Area, everyone’s favorite place to visit, hike, and bike.

If there were ever going to be an apocalypse (please hurry), I would assume this is one of the first signs.

Camels in Fair Hill

This is one of my favorite pictures of Charlie the Dog. This picture is a perfect example of the complete ineptness of things without thumbs. Yes, dogs are amazing, inspirational, and man’s best friend. Dogs do spectacular things…they have drug people out of burning buildings, they have dialed 911 when their owner had a heart attack from eating too many ding-dongs, they have rescued people that were drowning, and possibly the most impressive, dogs can lead blind people around a busy city and ensure safety while crossing streets. Truly unbelievable achievements when I think about them. Unfortunately for dogs and the entire order of natural selection, all these wonderful deeds are completely negated whenever we watch Charlie the Dog chase his own tail until dizziness forces him to collapse and look around embarrassingly.

Poor puppy

Good luck to all dogs. If I prayed, I’d pray for a canine world takeover.

I really wish someone would have sat me down and had this conversation with me. I don’t know if there is currently anything better on the internets. Whatever this channel is, I have to get it on my TV. It is extra good at 1:00 and again at 4:30.

LOOK OUT GAYS! Happy weekend!

What a day it was, possibly the funnest day I have had since The Carnival. In a world of ever evolving new experiences, I found my newest. There is an event called Cache across Maryland. It is 10 geocaches hidden all across Maryland, once found will decode a secret location of a big picnic in May. I know, it sounds pointless, confusing, nerdy, and insane. 100% up my alley. There are 10 hides that span from western Maryland all the way to Ocean City. The idea is to see all of Maryland, and experience how diverse the state truly is. It promotes tourism, and the lesser agenda of “getting of fat lazy asses and do something”. This is the first year we can participate, from everything I have heard all the past years have been a blast.

Charlie and I spring out of bed at 3am like anxious children on Jesus’ assigned birfday. We loaded up all our gear for a day on the road. Food, water, towels, leashes, cigars, just the essentials. The plan was to head the furthest away first, and then work our way home. The furthest point was western Maryland, past Cumberland, just before West Virginia, 250 miles one direction. We arrived at destination number one right around sunrise. The area was beautiful. Snow was lightly falling and the ground was covered in fresh snow from recent days. The trail we had to follow was along a raging stream. White caps, narrow scary bridges, cliffs edges that fell straight into the water, quiet, seclusion, and hidden items…this area had it all. We spent a couple hours wandering this trail, made our find we needed to make, and then ventured back to where we parked. Charlie had the time of his life. He was running free, hopping logs, posing for pictures, and playing in the snow…every little boys dream.

Once back at the car we set our GPS for the next destination, back east near Rockville. It was still early in the morning and we made it to the next target mid-morning. By the time we arrived the climate was completely different. No more snow, the sun was shining, and it was almost short sleeves weather. Another great hike out and back along this trail. It was just me and Charlie in the winter ravaged woods. He is such a good boy, no leash required. He makes me so proud. On the way back to the car we ran into another group of cachers out to find the same hide. We swapped pleasantries, the canines sniffed assholes, and we parted ways as newfound friends. Back at the car again I checked the map. Apparently we were right around the corner from something known as Coffin Rock. It is the location shown in The Blair Witch Project where some murders took place. There was no way Charlie and I were getting away from here without grabbing some photos of a handsome boy in front of Coffin Rock. After escaping with our lives we set the next destination, near Frederick.

It was just after lunchtime when we arrived at the next destination. This spot will be forever known as the only place that Charlie decided to speak up. All day driving, running into other people and dogs, and this is the only place Charlie barked at anything. At the entrance to this park was a statue of a shirtless man that Charlie was not fond of. He made it very clear that he was not happy that this statue was here, or that he thought this statue was dressed inappropriately for a family location.

Another beautiful park. The trail system here was a giant loop around the perimeter of a raised area. Every turn offered another vista point and view that went on forever. It must be the highest elevation in that part of Maryland. This hide was an extra fun one, a multicache. It required several stops along the way, offering more views, doing math, and solving a puzzle before ultimately making the final find and obtaining the necessary information. Real detective work we were doing, I know. Back at the car we ran into an old man who was just taken by Charlie. Of course, who isn’t now that I think about it. Into the car, next destination programmed into the GPS, it was northern Baltimore County.

The last stop of the day was at Prettyboy Reservoir. This is a place only an hour from my home that I had never heard of before in my life. Oddly enough I had been told about Prettyboy Reservoir just a week prior. I was having a chat with my long time friend John, telling him about all the hiking Charlie and I had been doing. He suggested that we should go to Prettyboy Reservoir. I told him I never heard of it, but would put it on our to do list. Well wouldn’t you know, the very next day the list for the cache locations come out, and one of them is Prettyboy Reservoir. Just more proof that this world is not real and we are all living in some type of simulation. I am really believing that life works like popup adds on a computer. Do one Google search for a hotel in Mexico, and immediately every advert on the computer is geared toward Mexican accommodations, prescription pills, prostitution, Taco Bell, and making extra income colon smuggling heroin for the Mexican Cartel. Maybe that’s just me, I don’t know. Charlie and I made it to Prettyboy Reservoir parking around 4pm. Plenty of sunlight left to fulfill our mission and enjoy the sunset. The walk from where we parked was a long walk. Once down to the reservoir the views were spectacular. We followed several trails that were well out of the way from our destination. Taking our time, taking in the sites, and killing time until closer to sunset…great photo opportunities. Along the way back we found a natural spring. Charlie decided that was a great time to start playing in the water. Not swimming, more like frolicking. He drank several gallons of water, and then we headed back to the car. This time the programmed destination was home.

We arrived back home around 9:30pm. Total was about an 18-hour day. We covered a large portion of Maryland, saw a lot of wonderful sites, met some nice people (and dogs), did a lot of aimless wandering,  took plenty of pictures (a select few that I am proud of are HERE), completed the geocaching mission we set out to complete, found many more along the way, and did a lot of pissing outside. It was without a doubt one of my most funnest, adventurous, and pleasurable days since The Carnival ended. Thank you Charlie and geocaching for entering my life.

Last year Wifey and I spent some time in South Africa on safari. Leading up to that trip I was apprehensive and unsure of what to expect. It was a trip she always wanted to take, and I did the best I could to make that dream come true. Every second of the time we spent in South Africa and at Londolozi proved to be one of the greatest experiences in my life. We swore that we would get back there some day and do a vaster discovery of the continent. I didn’t imaging that it would be so soon. We are going back to Africa again this September. This trip will be in East Africa, Mt. Kilimanjaro, Ngorongoro Crater, Tanzania, and Rwanda.

We are planning to see a few different areas and varieties of safari this upcoming trip. Part of the trip is going to be in a tent camp. A camp that moves its location based on where the great migration of wildebeests and zebras occur each year. Millions of each animal travel through The Serengeti in constant search of water. I guess they don’t know you can get water in liter bottles now. It is supposed to be quite a spectacle. Our fingers are crossed that we see it from a hot air balloon. Another stop is Ngorongoro Crater, and giant crater formed when a volcano exploded and collapsed on itself several million years ago…oh wait, I think science says the earth is only 6000 years old. No, that’s religion, now I can see why people think it makes so much sense. I recently saw in a documentary that Ngorongoro Crater is the home to a large population of inbred lions. They did not appear to be too different from regular lions, the major differences were lack of teeth, no shoes, jean overalls, and they primarily drink moonshine.

The grand finale of the trip takes place in Rwanda. We will be staying in the Virunga Volcanoes for 4 nights and gorilla trekking. There are only 800 mountain gorillas left alive in the wild and some of them may be lucky enough to meet me. I plan to teach them sign language and the long forgotten art of cross-stitching. We will hike all day through the steep, muddy rainforest to spend time with the mountain gorillas. It sounds exactly like something I would do. I am fairly certain that Wifey is taking me there just so I get Dian Fossey’ed. Is it a coincidence that the life insurance policies on me just renewed? I think not.

I am starting a foundation to raise money before our trip. The foundation’s primary objective is to get the gorillas hair product and combs they desperately need. Yeah, humans don’t come from monkeys, whatever you say religion.

As a precursor to our upcoming trip I went out today in search of local wildlife to practice shooting photos. I came across the elusive Harford County “forest cows”. Apparently one jumped in my car and now lives in The Olympia. Lucky him.

Charlie’s new obsession is swimming. Swimming is all he talks about anymore. When are we going swimming again, can I go swimming again, look at my new diving cap, daddy watch me practice my doggie paddle, on and on and on…it’s cute, but seriously, settle down. Apparently he was trying to learn valuable swimming techniques on the internets. He is learning through research because I am awful and never let him go swimming anymore. Charlie seems to have stumbled across this other Mountain Dog that does more than just swim. This dog surfs. And not just some lame ass dog on a surfboard for a split second while someone snaps a picture. This dog is pure surfer dog. He has all the traits required, shaggy hair, appears stoned, and hates tourists.

This video Charlie found is extremely impressive. I dare say that my video of Charlie is even more impressive. The surfing dog is simply a video of someone doing something they already know how to do…big deal. That is like a video of me doing math, very unimpressive. My video of Charlie is an un-staged video of an impromptu moment in time that could not be recreated, even by a collaborative effort of Peter Jackson and James Cameron. A handsome dog jumps into a pond while that dog’s unsuspecting best friend has his back turned. This dog has never swam before, but somehow survives the terrifying debacle known as, “Learning how to Doggie Paddle”. The drama writes itself!

Enough of my nonsense, here is what Charlie can not stop watching:

I have been working on this multi-cache (a geocache with multiple stages) in Slower Delaware since the middle of the summer. It is called Gone Fishin’ and is centered around lesser known fishing spots in southern Delaware. They are all near ponds. I found the first 5 stages and then got stumped on the 6^th a couple months ago. I found myself driving down south yesterday for some work errands and it seemed like a good time to give that stage another look. I took my trust geo-hound Charlie along with me for the long day of driving and adventuring. We got to the pond area and started to look around. There was nobody else anywhere to be seen, so it was plenty safe to have him running free. I was deep in a briar patch that he could not get into. I had my back turned on him for a couple minutes, but could always see him if I turned to look. Out of nowhere, to break the still silence of the beautiful area I hear a loud SPLASH! My immediate reaction was “no way”….Apparently, way. I turned and ran toward him only to see him splashing around in the water a good 20 yards off the bank of the water. This is a mountain dog that has never been in the water, other than baths in the tub and mountains of frozen water also known as snow. I was caught somewhere between terrified and thrilled. Obviously not too terrified as I had time to grab my phone and set it to video record. It was obviously apparent that he had no idea what swimming was supposed to look like. I always assumed that doggie paddling was an inborn feature to canines. What he was doing looked more like a dummy paddle. I was a bit panicky, but luckily I kept it together well enough to continue recording. He was swimming parallel with the shoreline and not coming any closer regardless of how loud I yelled for him. I finally decided I might have to go in after him, his head never went under water, but he was definitely not treading water properly. I was only a few seconds from going in after him when I noticed he had started coming closer to the land and also gotten some footing in the shallower water. I am relieved all is well, but would not ever count on Charlie to rescue me if I was drowning, unless of course I had dog biscuits in my pockets. What an exciting day for the Sellers men. And yes, I did find that stage of the geocache and go on to complete the entire series later that day. I am glad Charlie was with me to help run through the woods and celebrate our achievement. Ridiculous video below.